Thursday, December 1, 2011

Santa

Behave!’ she reprimanded her two boys for kicking each other beneath the table. They wound their faces tight and slumped in their respective chairs.

‘I’m bored,’ whined Michael.

‘You see your great grandmother once a year,’ she hissed through bad teeth.

At that moment, a white geriatric mob burst through the twin beige doors leading to the dining room. A fat, gray-bearded man in a red suit led their way.

‘Why is Santa here?’ Jonny asked perplexedly.

His mother hesitated, ‘Because the older you get, the longer you wait to get his gifts.’ She realized it was a terrible explanation.

‘Shouldn’t older people get them first?’ Michael asked.

She ignored the question and moved to escort her grandmother to the table for the holiday meal.

‘Hi Laura,’ her grandmother squawked as her teeth were jettisoned from her mouth.

‘My name’s Lisa,’ she whispered to no one in particular.

‘Oop, dem teef nebber shay,’ she smacked her lips unabashedly.

‘Michael and Jonathan, come give your Nana a kiss.’

The boys filed toward her. Michael succeeded in kissing her right cheek. But Nana turned as Jon closed his eyes and planted the kiss squarely on her lips. As soon as he turned away, he wiped his lips with his left sleeve.

‘How have you been, grandma?’ Lisa asked.

‘Eh, dying, but that’s good for me. I’ve been alive too long anyway. Oh, I have someone I want you to meet. I’m dating a younger man,’ she admitted with a grin. ‘He’s in his mid-seventies, I think. His birthday’s on the eighth.’ She cupped her hands and yelled, ‘Hey Santa!’

Everyone in the room except Santa turned to see from whence the godawful noise had come.

‘Hard of hearing,’ she pointed a thumb back at Santa. ‘Wish I could throw something at him, but I can’t throw like I used to.’ She harrumphed. ‘Michael, go get him.’

Michael obeyed and stalked over to the fat man. He tugged at the red suit.

Santa turned, and in a voice deeper than Michael expected, bellowed, ‘What can I do for you, little man? I hope I got you everything you needed for Christmas.’

Michael stared at Santa’s red, rosy cheeks.

Santa laughed.

‘My Nana says you’re her boyfriend.’

‘Did she now?’ he chuckled. ‘Let’s go see what the hot mama wants.’

Michael turned and raced to his mother’s side.

Santa extended his hand to the boys’ mother, ‘Nice to meet you, young lady.’

‘Such a charmer,’ Nana rasped. She almost lost her teeth again. ‘He’s a one man show, dancing, singing, gyrating all over God’s creation. I remember when they wouldn’t show that stuff on TV, but now they’ll show anything.’

Santa smiled wistfully.

‘Well, I haven’t even made proper introductions,’ Nana cawed. ‘Where are my manners?’ She paused to catch her breath – and teeth. ‘Of course, he ain’t Santa. He’s just helping out,’ she threw in for the boys.

Santa seemed a bit antsy. ‘No need to introduce me Ethel; I think Santa will do.’

‘Nonsense,’ Nana retorted. ‘Lisa, Michael, Jonathan, let me introduce you to Alvin Bressler.’

Santa smiled awkwardly.

4 comments:

Mary said...

Very clever 3WW story. The ending made me smile.

http://inthecornerofmyeye.blogspot.com/2011/11/wish.html

Old Egg said...

Great start to (hopefully) an ongoing story.

RMP said...

the grandmother seems like quite a character! very nice tale.

anthonynorth said...

An excellent and fun tale.